She's So Jaded.

You all know what Never Jaded is right? Like the whole concept? A jaded person has been hurt emotionally, and lets that affect their outlook on life. A jaded person has high expectations, and has been let down time after time, losing the excitement for life. So, basically, Never Jaded is the whole idea to not let you past scar you, to live life from the lesson your past taught you.

Okay, so now you know what Never Jaded is, and that I try to live by that. But the other night...I failed. And I haven't been able to talk it out, so as a writer, I'll let the words explain.

LI had basketball tryouts for MU's club basketball team, it's like the team above RecSports, but under the D1 Women's team, right? And tryouts started, I was making my shots, running up to pace with the rest of the girls, kept hearing "good pass," then... about halfway through my chest started tightening up. *pause*

I have asthma. Not "oh I have asthma, I can't run, blah" asthma, but "Tisha you know the doctor said you shouldn't be playing" asthma. *play*

So only thing through my head is to play through it, "you got through an hour without slowing down, keep it up." But my body had other plans, and I could hear myself starting to wheeze. I just couldn't do it anymore, and the flashbacks of Rockbridge started to appear. *pause*

*rewind* I've hooped since 4th grade, always playing at the highest level, never not making a team I tried out for. This got my asthma under control, playing year-long, and other ports during off-season. Then high school hit. I played the summer of my sophomore year for my high school. But during a summer camp, I tore ligaments in my ankle. Out for 3 months... on crutches, the boot, all that. Not being able to do cardio, my asthma came back. and i got lazy. Those 3 months happened to be before High School tryouts. Thus, when tryouts came I couldn't keep up, I had the game still, but being able to sprint, run 10 minute scrimmages, nope, couldn't physically do it. And because of that I got cut. I'll never forget that day.

I rarely cry, but that day, and for a while after that, that's all I could do. I love this game, and being cut for the first time.. well they might as well ripped my heart right out of my chest.

*fastforward* So last night during tryouts I started to have doubts. Once I felt my chest tightening, I started to think "what if I get cut again. I can't get cut again. I can't take that again." I started to feel the pain all over again. So instead of playing harder, during water break, I became that jaded person I vowed not to be. I unlaced my shoes, grabbed my bag, and walked out the gym, not even finishing tryouts.

I let my past dictate my future. I let me the memories of being cut cloud my judgement of how I was playing, and put doubt into my game. Knowing I could play with the best of them out there, it still wasn't enough. And i resent myself for letting that happen.

Moral of the story: NEVER last your past, dictate your future.